i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
