Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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