My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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