Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
