my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
