Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
