Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
