We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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