I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
