Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
