if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
