I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
