Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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