be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
