dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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