dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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