We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i need to put some appletini on your dick
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
