there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
