i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
