I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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