Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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