When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My feet surprised me
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