i don't plan on having that self control this summer
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
