just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
