haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
