Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
