Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I wish there were birth control emojis
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
