I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
