He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
