fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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