the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
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