Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
