I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
