Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It's Friday. Sex?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
