M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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