Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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