So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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