Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
