In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
