after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
