she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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