it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
