just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
