So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Randomize
