We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
