Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
