My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
