The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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