Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
