They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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