Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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