Can i not drive my cunt home
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
