You work out of a Hotel?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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